omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
