he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
