I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I fill condoms, not promises.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
