I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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