today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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