sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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