go do what you do best...puke behind churches
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
