I hate all girls vehemently.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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