What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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