i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
fuck your aforementioned shoe
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
