Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
