Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
