It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
