Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
