hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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