Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
