Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My life is pants optional.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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