I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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