My friends, they love my intelligence
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
