Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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