Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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