We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
