I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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