I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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