your thong is hanging out like whoa
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
