The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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