Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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