I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
