You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
