So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
We need to get me chipped asap
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
