Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Boobs speak an international language.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Randomize
