You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
