Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
