We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
How does one acquire holy water?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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