had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
My penis needs a shock collar
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
