Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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