Is it because I queefed?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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