pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
