I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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