Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
