Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
