I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
