the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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