if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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