i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
