I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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