I am puke
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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