Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
