What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
