Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
